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I’ve been approaching the tightness that grips my chest differently. I’ve been asking my vagus nerve to release and for my racing thoughts to cease.

I calm my body and pray, but not for me.

I pray for you, whomever clouds my mind taking away my present time.
I pray you’re okay, that you find joy and strength in your day.
I pray for your health, for your secrets that creep through your mind to find light and subside.
I pray you’re safe in everything you do.
I pray for you.

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Forget what you gave up.
Forget what you left behind.
Forget everything you escaped in hopes of finding a new mind.

Remember why everything changed.
Remember what you intended to gain.
Remember who you are, because who you are is still greater than the remains.

You will stumble and you will fall,
but believe me you will stand above them all.

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A single tear falls

Reading your response

My chin quivers, I feel my nose tuck

My eyes focused, sad, another tear is produced

Your words are like a knife held to my throat

I’m afraid to move

So badly I want to feel nothing

So badly I want to never feel anything for you

How heartbreaking it is to see how little I impacted you

How disappointing it is to love with no return

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So I’ll let you fade

I’ll let go

I’ll let go of what I felt

I’ll let go of what I knew

I’ll let go of you

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The words “I’m done” roll around inside my mind. My expression now is a slight turn up of my brow and the corner of my lip. It’s annoyance that’s portrayed.

I’m not mad, not even sure if I’m a little sad. Just annoyed. Annoyed I ever had to experience this with you. Annoyed it is okay to let go of something I felt was worth fighting for. Annoyed I wasn’t met with the same desires to see this last. Annoyed you never gave the chance to truly know me.

Honestly, that’s where I’m at. As I find you lingering around my thoughts, like I do when I start dissociating, I pair reason why I shouldn’t love you. The one that’s stuck is realizing how much of you I saw but how little of me you ever got to see. It was always you. Your timeline, your food, your place, your plans.

You didn’t take the opportunity to see me authentically myself. In my space. You never saw me dance. Or be so free there’d be no reaction other than the pureness found in a smile. You never truly got to know me the way I got to know you.

So: annoyed. Annoyed I am with thoughts of you. Annoyed I cared. Annoyed I’d still smile if I saw you. Annoyed my heart softens when I do allow my thoughts to track on what I wish I had with you. Annoyed you have no regrets. Annoyed you’re okay with where we’re at. Annoyed.

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I could wrap myself around you

Cuddle up in your chest

I could kiss you goodnight

to know I’d kiss you good morning

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You’ll know exactly what I am thinking

I’ll tell you

Without hesitation

I’ll tell you everything

All of who I am

My desires

My fears

My eccentric sense of flare

I’ll tell you

My heart

My true worth

I’ll tell you

How I feel about myself

Broken

Sometimes scared

But so amazingly in love with who I am

Who I’ve become.

I think that’s what you were

To see my process

To see how I respond

To see I care

To see that empathy

To see that love so ruthlessly

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I don’t know if I’ve ever been more wrong about a person

Even as I am allowing myself to dissociate and rewire; I know I still hold space for you

I know what I felt and what I believed was true, but you never came through

You never said, “I’m sorry”

“I never should have left”

You didn’t choose me the way I was willing to choose you

The way I believed you would

I was convinced from the start I found who I would love and be loved by

I was convinced we would defy all odds

I was convinced you, no matter what, would always choose to be mine

How wrong I was

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I’m not shy when it comes to you

I’ll let all my thoughts consume

I’ll tell you everything I am feeling

I’ll watch what you post

I’ll like what you do

I’ll be that person who was madly

deeply

in love with you

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I feel every ounce of what I held for you leaking through

even if I try to patch it

even if I try to pour it all back in

these cracks keep breaking through.

I hope you know it wasn’t me who chose to see you go

it wasn’t me who stopped believing what I felt to be true

I hope you see it was you

I hope you recognize what you chose not to pursue.

I hope you acknowledge this is on you